When I was pregnant with the Diva I used to call her my little symbiont.

As she’s gotten older, and is discovering things she truly loves on her own (and is mesmerized by them – showing me that I’ve just opened the door for her but she’s gone through it…) she often turns back to me when I least expect it, and comes to me seeking to rejoin the parental unit from which she exited nearly 5 years ago.

Constantly in motion – from the first time we saw her on the ultra sound as a wriggling tadpole, to standing in line waiting for her call to the stage at her first rercital, she still will look across the way at me and we communicate, silently, speaking the volumes that only a true close family relationship can speak without saying a word.

Many a night she’s snuck out of her bed so she could crawl in bed to snuggle with me, wanting to touch, feel connected and have non-verbal re-assurance that all is well in the world and then drift back into a deep slumber on her own.  It’s terribly sweet, albeit a bit hard to find a comfortable spot when she’s decided to stretch out and has dislocated her father and I from our own sleep positions. There’s nothing like a pre-schooler laying diagonally across a bed to make it hard for the parents to get comfortable.

And in her returning to get reassurance and stay connected, she finds the strength to stand on her own two feet, a fiercely independent young lady who is well developed into her own identity and values.  A nurturer, yet someone who wants to explore the world and show off while doing so.

I look at her as she runs off in a blur of motion, a teenager before she became a child, and I want to yell “SLOW DOWN, YOU’LL MISS YOUR CHILDHOOD!” and I find she takes that moment to slow, to look at me and grin knowingly.  Winking at me she is off, and only when she’s tired and ready for more snuggling and physical connectivity does she revert to the young child just out of toddlerhood.

I’ve opened doors for her, but not pushed her through them, and held her up from going through others… (we are talking metaphorically here) yet she’s moved forward with what she’s wanted to, and discarded what she disliked.  All the while that she looks at me – not for permission to do something, but silently telling me with her eyes and smile that she knows what she wants and she will work hard to get it.

I think my own mother would smile and tell you that sounds very familiar to her own experience with me, as it’s traits I know are mine as well.

I can only hope that she gets as understanding a mate some day as I got in her Father.  Our ties run strong and deep, and while there are moments I wonder why I gave birth to THIS child, I am ever so thankful I did.  She teaches me about me, a little bit more, each and every day.

(btw – our house is on shut down right now thanks to a likely case of “Pigs with Pilots Licenses ^TM” invading.   Yarn production is at a stand still as the coughing is so bad I have pulled a muscle in my ribs and am on bedrest laying upright and not getting up unless I truly have to.  My Nebulizer and I have gotten very familiar with each other again recently and I am waiting for the official pronouncement that Connecticut is now a Non Tropical Rain Forest zone.  This rain can stop any day now – for at least a few day, doesn’t have to be forever but between the flu, Asthma, Wood Mold induced allergies and coughing so hard my ribs ache, I’d love to have some sunshine happening again.  Thankfully this should all be a memory in a week or less.)